Doubts

28. September 2013

Much has happened since my return from the Bassen Rift. I failed my exams, repeated them and failed again. That left me in a depressive spiral. I thought long and hard about it, then decided to take a break from studying, the third time in twelve years. Will I ever complete this degree? I don’t know. Am I still feeling depressed? Always – I have no intention to blog about it; there’s already enough depression on WordPress to feed every hobbit on the shire.

The book I’m writing is progressing well, but not at the speed I’d prefer – the completion target I set for myself has come and gone, and I’m feeling the pressure. Additionally, I lost all five of my marijuana trees due to a silly mistake, which means nothing to smoke until next summer because I don’t buy stuff from vendors. I love to smoke.

I contemplated giving up blogging. I haven’t, but I’m not getting any real satisfaction from it any more; the time invested hasn’t yielded the expected returns. Some people say ‘200 followers in ten months’ is good. Is it? Minus the spam followers and the others who’ve gone inactive, I’d say it’s more like 150 followers. From that lot I can count the loyal readers on the fingers of my two hands; most people whom I read loyally don’t even bother to return the courtesy – my material is extremely diverse, yet they can’t find a single thing to read or like! I really hate the ones who visit your page repeatedly, to woo you, then disappear when you decide to follow them. Hit & Run! Suck it.

A positive note: The Voth(that friendly alien) returned several times to take me to the parallel universe; I declined. Instead of leaving, he changed his appearance to human form and invited me out to a bar, which was fun, so we do this a lot now – he likes Black Russians. Astoundingly, he hasn’t given up on me, and he admonishes me not to give up on myself; I suspect he only cares about getting my liver anyway, which isn’t in any danger because he injects me with a blue fluid that keeps the liver healthy no matter how much alcohol I consume. Sometimes we just stay in the flat and watch Vin Diesel movies – he loves Pitch Black, says he knows a planet just like that one and offered to take me there. I declined; that planet is terrifying.

I can’t say for sure when I will visit the parallel universe again, I want to, but I get the feeling that one day I might not return to this one, because nothing changes: humans love violence, greed and vanity, and there is no leader who offers a path to a different future. Quite frankly, I am sick and tired of it all. Ah, the Voth has returned, just in time for the new Riddick film.

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Comments
18 Responses to “Doubts”
  1. Jeff Nguyen says:

    If it makes you feel any better, it took me about 12 years to get my first degree (wait, now I’m depressed too). I agree that followers is a meaningless number. It’s a strange medium. Before writers would write without means of feedback or two-sided transmission. Now, hit publish and off it goes into the ether. Where it stops nobody knows, Hang in there and keep pushing the envelope, my fellow traveler.

  2. makagutu says:

    Don’t give up blogging. With my quite sizable following, only a handful regularly read and comment and those few are just sufficient for me. For all it’s worth, don’t give up on yourself. Keep writing and keep studying. Failing school sucks big time but you can’t allow yourself to remain beaten!

  3. Mate re the exams; I guess it comes down to what they really mean to you. I’ve throw in the towel. And I’ve persevered when I’ve been in the same situaton… If it’s something you want, you’ll come good I’m sure. But if your heart’s not in it, then sack it off.

    Re the blog, I’ve been there too. It sucks when you write this shit and no one appears to give a damn but keep at it man. I know I’m late to ‘follow’ but even when I first read one of your posts I was like, ‘this guy is doing something different to a lot of the repetitive bullshit that’s out there…’

    And as one of the other chaps mentioned, a lot of these so called followers only clicked the button so that you’d return the favour. It’s the people that actually read and occasionally comment that matter man.

    Anyway that’s just my two cents. For what little it’s worth, I dig your style and am chuffed that you read my shit too. Stay strong mate.

  4. dhonour says:

    I ‘liked’ this even though I didn’t want to like it. I”m sorry about the exams. I’m not sure what you are studying and as a glorified house frau, I certainly shouldn’t be offering any career advice. Keep plugging away at the book. I guarantee you are a hell of a lot further along than I am on mine. And I’ve been writing mine (in my head at least) for 20 years. Re the blog, I know. It sucks when you feel like you’ve put something really good out there and get so little in return. A few comments, a little feedback, it’s not a lot to ask, right? But we are all essentially a narcissistic bunch caught up in a narcissistic exercise. Write for yourself. Write for those of us who enjoy being challenged through your poetry and made to think through your prose. But most of all, write to ease the demons or taste the sunshine or capture the moment or whatever it is writing does for you. About the pot plants? Well, now, you shouldn’t be doing that anyway. It’s bad for your lungs. Peace.

    • lexborgia says:

      Dina, don’t ‘like’ anything if it’s not your wish, you’re under no obligation – reading in silence is quite okay(I know you read). Thank you for the support and the pills. Cheers.

  5. Don’t give up on your Blog. It has an honesty about it which is unusual, and you are to be commended for that. Just keep going with the book: you will get there

  6. Voth likes Black Russians–of course he does!

  7. Why decline Voth’s offer? That’s what I really want to know.

  8. roadwax says:

    Ha…! You dropped your guard for a moment and I slip in like a rat up a drainpipe. I suggest to you that your assessment from the bridge needs verifying.
    1) People in important jobs don’t ‘follow’ or ‘like’ or otherwise comment on WP blogs. They read them. You are read far more than you realise.
    2) Failing exams bears no connection with knowledge attained on a given subject. If it did, then heads of faculties would run vast empires. They don’t.
    3) Rush to complete your book like a mother on a school run and then settle back and edit it. Editing is where the real writing takes place. You know that.
    5) Good drugs – like the finest military plans – become void as soon as the battle starts.
    4) Honesty, like numbers, is not a science.

    I’m only here because I am smart enough to follow you and dumb enough to disagree.

    • lexborgia says:

      Dear Roadwax, my enigma machine is presently in the repair shop. However, your message has been well received and filed away for further reference. Best regards from the resistance. Cheers.

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