An American billionaire, out of sheer desperation, is asking the American public for help. The Manhattan real estate developer is suffering an unpresidented streak of victories, with no end in sight, and is frantic to end his good fortune.
“I can’t sleep anymore – it’s killing me. I roam the house each night in my bathrobe, mumbling in Russian and channel surfing cable news in search of assistance.”
It all began when the developer unexpectedly won a beauty pageant, in which he took part only to gain publicity for his businesses, and continued with another surprise win, a priceless mansion in Washington, D.C.
Good luck, nothing unusual, but the man said he became suspicious after seeing a report on tv saying he had won again, this time a travel ban injunction. He ignored the news, believing it to be a hoax, until several weeks later, when a second, and third travel ban injunction, sponsored by several generous federal judges was delivered free of charge to his front door. In that moment, he said, ‘I thought about the dead American soldier I won in a raid in Yemen, which I hadn’t taken seriously but now suspected a connection.’
Growing more suspicious by the day, and fearful, the developer often retreated to his Palm Beach Club, to do nothing, but there was no escaping the winning; world leaders would suddenly pop out of cakes in the middle of dinner, in full view of club members.
The man, believing he was losing his mind, fled to Nashville rallies and hid in small towns across the rust belt, an attempt to escape the curse of winning, but it was not to be; the FBI announced that he’d won an investigation, quickly followed by the AHCA Prize, a prestigious conservative award for coldheartedness – this was the final straw.
Presently hiding in Palm Beach and likely under medical supervision, the lucky developer is appealing to the public for ideas, old cures and modern remedies to combat what he describe as a plague.
“All this winning. It’s too much. Too much winning. I am sick and tired of winning. No more. No more. Please, no more winning.” This now includes ‘there’s a black man hiding in the closet.’
Psycho analysts warn of mental breakdown if the winning continues.