It’s easier and cowardly to commit suicide than go on living, or so I’ve been told, by the ‘not depressed’.
As a major depression sufferer I contemplate suicide on a daily basis, yet somehow continue through the agony of (my) life. Suicide isn’t the act of cowards, though, it can be, but, there is no denying that suicide demands courage on a grand scale, courage most of us don’t possess.
I don’t blog about depression, which is obvious from my postings thus far. Until today. Why? Because depression isn’t the common cold: it’s a slow, methodical killer.
Am I going to kill myself? I don’t know, possibly, but in my mind I already have, like millions of other cowards breaking under psychological pain, fear and shame. The dead feel no pain.
Suicide is for many an unselfish act – freedom from it (the pain) and them, freedom for them from me – incomprehensible to those who’re incapable of understanding the horror the suicider escaped from, unless the corpse is a famous artist, then we celebrate that life and remember what a great person they were, while showering them with sympathy and accolades. Is a famous suicider ever branded a selfish coward? Not that I know of.
Only a fellow depression sufferer truly understands the pain. Whom among you knows what it’s like to stand dressed at the door in your flat, trying, but panicked to go through it? And finally deciding not to. Whom among you knows what it’s like to be terrified of people? Knows what it’s like to cry for no apparent reason, flooded in waves of depression? Hopelessness. Despair. Fear. Decaying inside, hourly, daily, year after year. Mind fuck.
Depression is a ten ton weight around your neck, in your stomach, in your knees, in your mouth: terror. Suicide is sometimes the only way out, seeing as dealing with it is often impossible, and, for others simply not worth the pain. Social Anxiety in all its guises is a waking nightmare; you don’t truly understand, unless you experience it.
The suicider hasn’t taken his decision lightly. It takes courage and planning. Which method is 100% effective? When? Where? What should my final words be? Why should I care anyway, seeing as I’m going to be dead! The after-effects of the act is felt in its entirety by the suicider while they’re still alive, with the pain he/she felt before, because they do care about friends and loved ones. It’s not a ‘should I have cornflakes or toast for breakfast’ decision.
Have I decided on a method (for me)? Yes. pills and bag over head – a peaceful exit. Telling me that Jesus loves me doesn’t help. Using your happy life as example for a reason to go on living doesn’t help. Suicide, as practised in feudal Japan is for many the honourable way out of a bottomless shithole, an escape from a life they have no wish to be part of. Why should they prolong the suffering to placate your selfishness?
Fight hard to stay alive (which is what we do, hence the prolonged suffering), but if life is simply unbearable and you choose to end it, then, so be it. There’s nothing immoral about it.
Again, this post is not about my depression or pending suicide, it’s about false morality and condemnation of the act. Is it so hard to accept that millions of people find humanity unbearable?
Suicide is final, there’s no undoing it. Choose carefully. More information below.
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