Misery Hates Company

It’s easier and cowardly to commit suicide than go on living, or so I’ve been told, by the ‘not depressed’.

As a major depression sufferer I contemplate suicide on a daily basis, yet somehow continue through the agony of (my) life. Suicide isn’t the act of cowards, though, it can be, but, there is no denying that suicide demands courage on a grand scale, courage most of us don’t possess.

I don’t blog about depression, which is obvious from my postings thus far. Until today. Why? Because depression isn’t the common cold: it’s a slow, methodical killer.

Am I going to kill myself? I don’t know, possibly, but in my mind I already have, like millions of other cowards breaking under psychological pain, fear and shame. The dead feel no pain.

Suicide is for many an unselfish act – freedom from it (the pain) and them, freedom for them from me – incomprehensible to those who’re incapable of understanding the horror the suicider escaped from, unless the corpse is a famous artist, then we celebrate that life and remember what a great person they were, while showering them with sympathy and accolades. Is a famous suicider ever branded a selfish coward? Not that I know of.

Only a fellow depression sufferer truly understands the pain. Whom among you knows what it’s like to stand dressed at the door in your flat, trying, but panicked to go through it? And finally deciding not to. Whom among you knows what it’s like to be terrified of people? Knows what it’s like to cry for no apparent reason, flooded in waves of depression? Hopelessness. Despair. Fear. Decaying inside, hourly, daily, year after year. Mind fuck.

Depression is a ten ton weight around your neck, in your stomach, in your knees, in your mouth: terror. Suicide is sometimes the only way out, seeing as dealing with it is often impossible, and, for others simply not worth the pain. Social Anxiety in all its guises is a waking nightmare; you don’t truly understand, unless you experience it.

The suicider hasn’t taken his decision lightly. It takes courage and planning. Which method is 100% effective? When? Where? What should my final words be? Why should I care anyway, seeing as I’m going to be dead! The after-effects of the act is felt in its entirety by the suicider while they’re still alive, with the pain he/she felt before, because they do care about friends and loved ones. It’s not a ‘should I have cornflakes or toast for breakfast’ decision.

Have I decided on a method (for me)? Yes. pills and bag over head – a peaceful exit. Telling me that Jesus loves me doesn’t help. Using your happy life as example for a reason to go on living doesn’t help. Suicide, as practised in feudal Japan is for many the honourable way out of a bottomless shithole, an escape from a life they have no wish to be part of. Why should they prolong the suffering to placate your selfishness?

Fight hard to stay alive (which is what we do, hence the prolonged suffering), but if life is simply unbearable and you choose to end it, then, so be it. There’s nothing immoral about it.

Again, this post is not about my depression or pending suicide, it’s about false morality and condemnation of the act. Is it so hard to accept that millions of people find humanity unbearable?

Suicide is final, there’s no undoing it. Choose carefully. More information below.



6 Responses to “Misery Hates Company”
  1. makagutu says:

    From the time I started to consider the issue of suicide, I have come to the conclusion it is not act of cowardice. It takes courage to dispatch oneself and it is in my view immoral to prolong a person’s life if you are not going to improve their situation.

  2. “Fight hard to stay alive (which is what we do, hence the prolonged suffering), but if life is simply unbearable and you choose to end it, then, so be it. There’s nothing immoral about it.” Couldn’t agree more.

    I believe if someone wants to end their life, they should. It’s not up to society about who lives and who dies, when and how. You have to live with yourself, so if you choose to depart this world, it’s no one’s business but your own. It’s your life, do as you please with it.

    I have dealt with bouts of depression in my earlier years, and each time, contemplated suicide. It does indeed take courage to top yourself. That’s what undoubtedly stopped me from following through with it each time, though the second (and hopefully) last time I seriously considered it, I realized that it would be selfish of me as a parent to do so. I wouldn’t want my daughter to grow up thinking that I wasted myself because of her. I also didn’t want to deprive her of her biological mother.

    I hope that self-assisted suicide machines, like those in Soylent Green, come to fruition.

    Depression is an unkind mistress, always carrying a noose in her over-sized purse.

    • lexborgia says:

      -‘my daughter to grow up thinkin I wasted myself because of her’- neither do I, one of the things that stay my hand. But if your family and friends are honest and truly understood why you did it, then that wouldn’t be the case, they’d make her understand how insufferable your life was. It’s like couples who remain 2gether unhappy for the kids. I think offing yourself (if you’re determined) is something you can’t postpone forever. The depressed suffer even further under society’s hypocrisy chains: shaming, taboo, stigma, avoidance, discrimination. my daughter knows (she is 12 now) I’m more unhappy than happy, she knows why and she knows it’s not her, and she cares, and she’d be heartbroken but she’d understand. Buy hey, I hold on also because of her. The question is, how long can you hold on? Society sews a ‘one size fits all’, ignoring the fact that each individual is different. Yes, we want to live…who doesn’t! But for some it simply becomes unbearable. I’m still here, but it’s not getting easier. Thinking, talking, socialising, all becoming difficult; even sleeping is a battle. Crazy shit, JM. Crazy shit. Losing my mind it feels like.

      • I totally hear you. It all depends on the individual. Overall, since I’ve conquered some of my demons, come to an acceptance of certain things, and have assigned myself a daily purpose, I don’t feel that rain cloud over me like I did over a decade ago. I know that my life will never be perfect, hence life; ya win some ya lose some. I’ve just decided that it’s easier for me to create my own ideal bubble to stay afloat. That’s what works for me…along with incorporating some healthier habits into my lifestyle, like more creating, whether it’s writing or designing.

        I know that dark weight is heavy to carry daily, but I believe that it all starts within your mind. Today can be a good, okay, or shitty day. Life can be beautiful, so-so, or horrendous. It’s all up to you, inner demons be damned!

        Hopefully your mind will ease up, so that you can make it through your existence. However, if it doesn’t, I can totally understand why you’d wanna check out. Once can only bear so much.

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