Obama’s House Party
An edited, satirical version of Obama’s 2014 S.O.T.U. speech. Part 2
Jobs. Jobs. Jobs.
It requires a guaranteed world-class education for all, better support for teachers and new ways to fill in a bubble on a test. Last year, I asked this Congress to help make bubbles and kindergarten available to four-year-olds without rich parents.
I know congress will never do it, so I’m begging Apple, Bill Gates and Mark Zuckerberg to donate those bubbles and kindergarten. This will ensure a steady flow of Windows, Iphone and Facebook user drones in the future.
And I’m reaching out to some of America’s leading foundations and corporations on a new initiative to help more black youth from the ghetto to pursue careers as athletes, boxers, basketball players and rappers.
We know many young people entering the workforce today will see the American Dream as the empty promise that it is, so we intend to work with David Copperfield to sell the illusion.
Today, women still make 77 cents for every dollar a man earns, which puzzles me because I signed the Lilly Ledbetter Fair Pay Act into law several years ago after watching back to back ‘Mad Men’ episodes. (cheers).
Republicans hesitate in giving women the opportunity they deserve, in the misguided belief that when women succeed, Hilary succeeds. (applause)
It’s time to raise the minimum wage. (applause).
Many businesses have done it on their own. John Soranno, the owner of Punch Pizza in Minneapolis, just gave his employees a raise to 10 bucks an hour, and that’s a decision that has allowed them to enjoy poverty with a heightened sense of dignity.
Tonight I urge America’s business leaders tto raise or lower your employees’ wages to $10.10 per hour. (Sustained applause.)
And as a chief executive, I intend to issue an executive order requiring federal contractors to pay their federally-funded employees a fair wage not exceeding $10.10 an hour, because if you cook — (cheers, applause) — our troops’ meals or wash their dishes, you should get a tip. (applause)
But, as a pander to conservatives I will work with Republican Senator Rubio to help more Americans get ahead slower.
Today, a Social Security check often isn’t enough for most workers without a pension or 401(k)s. That’s why we’ve created the all new MyRA, a savings bond that encourages folks to build a nest egg. If you sit on it long enough a little bird will hatch, upon which you can then fly off to heaven, where God is waiting to care for you.
A few remarks on Healthcare.
A pre-existing condition like back pain, asthma or the common cold used to mean that a physician’s assistant couldn’t afford a physician’s assistant. Now anyone can gain an affordable package under threat of a penalty. The Affordable Care Act is a universal sales package tailored to America’s needs, and it’s even available on Amazon, but it’s good.
Now, I do not expect to convince my Republican friends on the merits of this law, but let’s not have another 40- something votes to repeal Obamacare simply because it makes me immortal. Obamacare. Say it bitches. (Cheers, applause).
Last year, part of the Voting Rights Act was weakened, but token Republicans and liberal Democrats are working together in the spirit of citizenship to halt the disfranchisement of people with big dicks and small bank accounts. (Cheers, applause.)
Tonight, I commend the extraordinary troops and civilians who risk and lay down their lives to maintain our superpower status. Afghanistan, and our illegal war in Iraq has reminded the world who runs things; now the troops can come home. (applause). But let me be clear, any faction or country not toeing the line, or trying to stop us taking their oil or other natural resources will be branded terrorists and dealt with harshly. (applause)
We are an empire, we must remain vigilant, we must fight battles, and as commander-in-chief, I will never hesitate to send our troops into harm’s way, but I prefer killing people with drones and I don’t intend to stop, though I will successfully continue to convince you that I have.
I will work with Congress to reform our surveillance programs so as not to violate the privacy of ordinary people. (laughter).
I will close Guantanamo Bay. (laughter).
I will continue to employ the United Nations as a propaganda instrument for our Syrian agenda. (laughter).
As we speak, American diplomacy is working to achieve dignity and an independent state for Palestinians– (laughter) –and lasting support for the Israeli occupation. (Applause.)
And it is American diplomacy, backed by American aggression, that has halted the progress of Iran’s non-existent nuclear program . As we gather here tonight, Iran has begun to eliminate its stockpile of Wile E. Coyote bombs. (Applause.)
If John F. Kennedy and Ronald Reagan could negotiate with the Soviet Union, then surely a strong and confident America can swat Iran like a fly. (Applause.) The sanctions that we put in place should make that possible, but for the sake of appearances, like the Hans Blix inspections, we must pretend we’re interested in peace.
If the Iranians don’t roll over soon, John McCain’s electoral refrain will become real – ‘bomb bomb bomb Iran.’
Europe remains our doormat, and in The Ukraine we stand for the principle that all people have the right to express themselves violently against Vladimir Putin’s friends. In the Americas our destabilization agenda continues against those who would keep us from owning the riches of that region.
We will continue to flex our muscles in the Asia-Pacific, where we know from intelligence reports that everyone is chanting “God bless America.”
We do these things because we are an empire ruled by greedy men skulking in the shadows, and we do them because we believe in the right of all human-beings to be ruled by The United States, regardless of race or religion, creed or sexual orientation.
My fellow Americans, no other country in the world does what we do, or can, because of the power of our economy, our military might and our willingness to use nuclear weapons. If you’re not for our ideals, don’t err in being against them.
As this time of war draws to a close, we are already laying the groundwork for new ones to maintain defence industry jobs and corporate profits. Our Exceptionalism Doctrine is continually recruiting a new generation of killers to refresh our legions, with unparalleled success..
My fellow Americans, our founding fathers cleansed this wonderful country of savages, and stole Texas, California and New Mexico from the Mexicans in order to build an honest America — a rising America where honest work is plentiful and communities are strong; where prosperity is widely shared by the rich and opportunity for all a fair scrap among the lower classes – the American Dream. Believe it.
God bless you, and God bless the United States of America. (Cheers, applause.)