Obama’s House Party
An edited, satirical version of Obama’s 2014 S.O.T.U. speech. Part 1
Mr. Speaker, Mr. Vice President, members of Congress, my fellow Americans,
today in America, entrepreneurs are flipping on the lights, 8 million old jobs lost have returned, so let’s call them new jobs. (applause.)
Autoworkers fine-tuned some of the best, most fuel-efficient cars in the world, yes, American cars. Really. No shit. I’m not kidding.
A bible thumping doctor gave a young child the first prescription to treat asthma, and it wasn’t prayer. Throughout America, parents are tucking in their kids, and having sex while thinking of dead soldiers who’ll never have sex again because of our illegal wars.
The state of our union is strong. (applause)
Here are the results of my efforts:
A manufacturing sector that’s adding jobs for the first time since Clinton was in office and Bush isn’t — (applause) — more oil produced at home than we buy or steal from the rest of the world — (applause) — for the first time in over a decade, business leaders around the world have declared that American wages are lower than China’s; jobs are coming. (applause.)
After five years of Obamarama, the United States is better-positioned for the 21st century than any other nation on Earth.
My question for every Republican in this chamber is, whether you’re going to help or hinder this progress. For several years now, you’ve tortured us with rancorous arguments over the proper size of the federal government. It’s an important debate, but shutting down the government and threatening default is stone cold crazy – bitches. (cheers)
What I believe unites the people of this nation, regardless of race or region or party, young or old, rich or poor, is the profound belief that if you work hard and take responsibility, you can be on television. (applause.).
As usual, our first lady sets a good example. (applause). Yeah. Michelle’s Let’s Move! partnership with schools, businesses, local leaders has lowered childhood obesity rates for the first time ever, and that beggars belief. (applause).
The point is, millions of Americans outside Washington are tired of fatty foods and stale political arguments. They believe, as I do, that in America, success depends on the strength of our work ethic and the scope of our dreams. That’s what drew our forebears here, the dream of making the Indian’s land their own, and they succeeded with God’s help.
Opportunity is who we are, and our generation must restore that promise, with access to good jobs for the qualified, and false promises of jobs for everyone else. With the economy picking up speed, I urge companies to pretend to hire more people this year.
We must rebuild our roads and upgrade our ports — because in today’s global economy, first- class jobs gravitate to first-class infrastructure, so let’s get some. That can happen. (wild laughter). Yes, I know I’ll have to act on my own cause you Republicans don’t give a shit. (jeering.)
Don’t jeer, there’s more. We also have the chance, right now, to secure the electoral votes of North Carolina and Virginia for the 2016 election by launching two hubs for high-tech manufacturing in those states, and my Administration will. Suck on that.
When we rescued our auto makers, we set higher fuel efficiency standards and gave them lower wages. Fuel efficiency with lower wages means less gas at the pump means less pollution, but we must act with more urgency because climate change is already harming communities which aren’t watching Fox News, and when our children’s children look us in the eye and ask if we did all we could to leave them a safer, more stable world, I want us to be able to say yes, we did everything we could to bring Fox News to every home in America. (Cheers, applause.)
We must speed up growth and create more jobs in this rapidly-changing economy, we have to make Americans have the skills to fill those jobs.
We know how to do it. Two years ago, as the auto industry came roaring back, Andra Rush opened up a manufacturing firm in Detroit, but she needed a workforce. She dialled up what we call an American Job Center – what other countries simply call a job center – places where folks get the help or training needed to find a new job, or a better job. She was flooded with new workers, and today, Detroit Manufacturing Systems has more than 700 employees. Job Centers are a great American invention founded by the British in 1910 but invented right here in America by Al Gore.
So tonight, I’ve asked Vice President Biden to open Job Centers all across America. (applause). But first, you Republican sons ‘o bitches need to restore the unemployment insurance you just let expire for 1.6 million people.
Let me tell you why.
Misty DeMars, a white mother of two young boys, has been steadily employed since she was a teenager, put herself through college and had never collected unemployment benefits. Budget cuts claimed the job she loved a week after she purchased her new home, and then congress cut off her benefits, forcing her to write a letter to the President she hates:
the American welfare system was created by people like me to serve the needs of people like me, but the congress, in a rush to punish people like you have mistakenly punished people like me who our country depends on to build careers, contribute to society, vote for the Tea Party and scream USA USA. I am confident, that as a white American woman I will find a job soon, resist paying taxes and raise my children to do the same. If you restore my benefits and use my white face to represent America’s unemployment crisis I assure you, more white people won’t only vote Democrat in the mid-terms, but will shoot less black people in the longterm. Please give us a chance.“
Congress, give these hard working, responsible Americans that chance. (Cheers, applause.) They need our help right now, this country needs them in the game. That’s why I’ve been asking CEOs to give more long-term unemployed white workers a fair shot at new jobs, a new chance to support their families. White people deserve jobs.