One Minute Bulletin

Ex-President Morsi facing new charges.

Along with incitement to murder, jail-break, fraud, speaking to the nation, smiling and being born, the overthrown President has now been charged with being elected without the approval of the USA, which merits the penalty of execution by drone. In anticipation of a guilty verdict on the last charge, Egyptian authorities have begun erecting a platform in the desert, where Mr Morsi will be bound and targeted from the air by Predator drones operated by Supreme Court Chief Justice John Roberts.

Dead man finally dies

After more than seven years as a frozen vegetable the beloved Israeli former Prime-Minister, national hero and suspected war criminal Ariel Sharon has finally been thawed, chopped and tossed in the salad – Mr Sharon has been taken to his ranch for dressing, after which he’ll be served up to the nation in a State Banquet.

The Palestinians, who remember him fondly as the ‘butcher from Beirut’, have been celebrating his life since news of the death broke. The PLO released the following statement:
“He was very good in the art of slaughter, a top-notch butcher, and we will be praying to Allah that he gets the welcome he deserves when he reaches heaven. Rest assured, he will never be forgotten.”

Osama bin Laden still alive!

Suspicions abound that the target eliminated by Navy Seals might not have been the infamous terrorist, but one of several wives, whom, new documents reveal, were very fond of growing lavish beards of their own, often making them indistinguishable to the untrained eye. Unconfirmed reports suggest that Mr bin Laden is alive and possibly living in a mansion compound on Washington’s Pennsylvania Avenue since January 21st 2009.

Jesus not welcome

The Good Democratic Decisions in America Movement(GodDam) has declared Jesus an enemy of democracy and appealed to all true freedom loving Americans to ‘crucify his ass’ again if he ever shows up. Using biblical scripture as evidence the GodDam points out Jesus’ desire to be King, and his father’s position of Dictator for Life.
GodDam spokeswoman Aileen Crenshaw: ‘We had a King before, we don’t need another. Neither do we need a dictator with mysogenist views, genocidal tendencies and no sense of humour.
A FOX/Newsmax/Daily Caller poll shows a 99.6% approval rating throughout America for a future dictatorship by God and his son.

4 Responses to “One Minute Bulletin”
  1. makagutu says:

    Thanks for the news. Hilarious as always

  2. Brilliant obituaries. Some of them say things I agree with, but I better keep quiet on that one

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