Freshly Pressed! 11 Guidelines
note: FP=freshly pressed
Every blogger dreamt of freshly pressed! Now they dream of ‘discover’, WordPress’ seal of approval and introduction to the world. Many recipients are truly deserving but just as many leave you shaking your head in bewilderment. Is there a fair process, a formula, or is it just a lottery? Whatever it may be, this ship’s crew has compiled a list of observations to help you realise your FP dream. Please be aware that this list hasn’t yet been scientifically verified by Fox News.
That’s right. Boast about your job, your lovely house and splendid vacations, your love life, shopping lists, Facebook page and countless apps that serve self-aggrandizement. Boast about your blog. Boast about you boasting. Worship yourself, through poems, selfies and bit strips. WordPress FP editors know vanity sells and tastes best when freshly pressed.
2. Showcase your counting skills
So the last guy made a list of ’10 things not to say to a girl!’ That’s nothing. There’s a list of ’25 ways to get your man.’ 50 ways to spend the weekend. 100 movies that shouldn’t have been made. What about ‘200 useless inventions of the last 100 years!’ Six million reasons to feel good about yourself! You can do better; a ‘one billion list’ subject post should get the FPs editors up and rushing toward you with those steam irons piping hot.
3. Racial Topics.
Political correctness is something we on this ship don’t give a shit about – drop it like it’s hot: keep it black.
‘Another stand your ground’ victim? Write about it, empathise and offer up your thoughts and prayers. Mention your very good friends who’re black, throw in a Mexican or two, and an Arab.
If you have dark skin write solely about what ‘your kind’ is up to; roll out your ghetto slang laced ‘in da hood’ stories,’ do not resist the pre-programming 0f your divinely engineered skin colour: stick to the cliches to avoid confusing readers and FP editors with alternate normality.
a. Say bad things about muslims in the most polite way.
b. Say good things about Israel; never accuse them of apartheid or wonder why after 50yrs of occupation the victim is still the bad guy and American journalism finds nothing wrong with that. If you ignore this advice and choose to say unfavourable things (sometimes called the truth) about Israel, then be prepared to suffer the consequences of your foolishness.
c. Make sure your post stresses your love of America and leaves no doubt that you subscribe to the Exceptionalism Doctrine. Do not question why America’s countless enemies are countries who have never attacked or harmed them in any way. Finish your posts with ‘God bless America.’
Never disparage religion, unless (see 4a)!
Write lovely little sermons about how Jesus changed your life. Don’t worry, there will never be a competing FP Post to say how stupid you are for inflicting Professor Mass Delusion’s Disease on yourself. As an atheist, your post should always be respectful toward deniers of proven science, and sympathetic of religion that condemns your enlightenment.
Talk about your kids, over and over and over again. Tell us how much they love drinking hot chocolate before bedtime and which kid can lick the cream off his cookie faster. Throw in some pictures of your cats and dogs, and if you don’t have a cat or dog just borrow the neighbour’s. No kids? No problem. Write repetitive posts on what a great spouse you have.
Always a winner. Never tire writing about singers and actors. They’re your friends, the people you’re on a first name basis with, the people who confide in you for love and support to survive in this cruel world. You’ll feel good about yourself when you’re done and so will they from knowing what a good friend you are. If you have difficulty remembering how you and your celeb friend spent the weekend, don’t worry, just open the nearest paper and go to the gossip section for the coded messages they left you, then write your WordPress post and presto – freshly pressed.
Recipes. Keep them coming. Let’s see those lovely meals. There is no end to what you can do; if you haven’t written and posted it, it hasn’t been done. Cakes and exotics are always good choices for people with good paying jobs. Any pauper can throw cheap potatoes into a pot of boiling water, but baked potato skins filled with melted cheddar, chilli and Farmer’s Choice bacon is a privilege that needs to be freshly pressed. Don’t delay any longer.
9. Sex & Women
It’s important to remember that WordPress dutifully projects a reflection of American society, therefore, use an infantile approach when discussing sex. Imply, don’t clarify. Avoid offensive words like vagina and penis, utilise the term ‘genitals’ instead. Apply politically correct terms to acts such as head/face (fellatio/cunnilingus), 69 (kama sutra special) and panty hunting (bar hopping). If you’re a man, remember, only a woman’s twerky tales of sex and whoring sells millions. Present your sexual escapades as light humour with her as heroine resisting your advances, which, when successful, are due entirely to her superior manipulation of your base instincts.
When writing about women be sure to present a picture of victimhood: prostitution is slavery, women are oppressed, housewives should be paid, mothers get no respect, doggy style is demeaning, women should be allowed to play NFL quarterback. If you can’t say how great and deserving women are for being women, don’t say anything, or your sexist, discriminatory post will never reach freshly pressed status.
10.Write about writing
This is quite easy and doesn’t need to make any sense. Write about the magical properties of coffee and how much of it you need to accomplish writing nothing of significance, or about the difference between a typewriter, a pen and a keyboard while upgrading your profile to look like a cool hat wearing honcho. Too complicated for you? Well then, write about what you intend to write without ever writing what you intend to write, and how good that feels. Be sure to mention how gruelling the thought process of writing nothing is, but keep the hat on. Presto – freshly pressed.
11. Wear a muzzle
You heard me right. Don’t bite the hand that feeds you. Don’t criticise WordPress for their dubious freshly pressed choices, just press the like icon and leave supportive comments – embrace the suck – or we may discover a ‘this user’s content has been deleted’ next time we come looking. Or even worse; the blog isn’t free any more.
p.s. This list could have been way longer, but my counting skills are limited. Please feel free to add other important guidelines. Still unsure? See 4a.