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The News we never get to read
Lets make a deal
The United States and its hangers-on – The P5 – have presented the outline of an agreement with Iran over its entirely legal nuclear program. The talks broke down several weeks ago after the undisputed world record holder in telling lies, John Kerry, made the Iranians an offer they couldn’t refuse to refuse.
Mr Kerry, with the French, suggested a reformed system of surveillance under which a sty of pigs would be used instead of the IAEA’s stable of jackasses. Under a new compromise the jackasses would remain, to be replaced by oxes after a six month period, and, Iran would be allowed to breathe air.
Israeli Prime-Minister Benjamin Netanjahu, who also happens to be Mr Kerry’s main challenger for the Liars crown, released a statement rejecting the deal; “Allowing Iran access to Australian duo Air Supply endangers the world.”
An NSA plan to discredit enemies by disclosing their online porn behaviour has come to light. The plan, known under the codename wanker, aims to render America’s enemies too terrified to masturbate, resulting in testicles swollen from the backlog, thereby leading to implosion. A Quinnipiac poll shows a large majority of Americans reject the plan, citing freedom of expression.
OJ Simpson launches new video game
Former football star and Bruno Mali shoes fan OJ Simpson has announced the launch of a new video game, The Red Glove. The high octane game is spread out over four levels divided into ten stages. Level one sees a man go mad with jealously and decide to kill his wife after suspecting her of an affair – players then get to choose a wardrobe and the murder weapons(guns, knives, ropes and steel knuckles). In level two the murderer flees the scene, collecting bigger and more dangerous weapons while pursued by the police, leaving carnage and corpses along the highway. Level three is a maze of income loopholes that allows players to accumulate cash to pay the best lawyers money can buy for a trial. And in level four, if the player makes it that far, the defendant goes free, hoards new weapons and cleans out Las Vegas memorabilia museums.
Lost Confuzius tablets unearthed
Archaeologists have unearthed a cache of scrolls attributed to the great philosopher Kong Qiu, better known as Confuzius. The works will be donated to the Peking National Museum, but several of the sayings on the scrolls have already been made available:-
‘Great warrior must not fall before farewell to concubine is complete.’
‘Little boy beat big boy if little boy think big.’
‘If afterlife so important, why can’t dead man bury himself?’
‘Fat girl find destiny on the edge of fork.’
Linguini Bikini Mystery – presented by Think Pink
Casandra Rogers, winner of the Annual Twirlies Pasta Bikini Pageant has been found. The 23yr old, last seen four months ago enjoying her winners prize, a five-star linguine dinner at the beachside restaurant of famous Italian chef Roberto, wasn’t missing after all, merely working on her new project, a Wet T-shirt Shop in downtown Los Angeles which opened yesterday. Miss Rogers claimed she needed the time and privacy to work on her new designs, which include the graffiti styled water bottles that accompany each purchase of a wet t-shirt.
Gluttons to eat for Africa
Nathan’s Famous Corporation Hotdog Eating Contest has announced that the event, held each year on July 4th and watched by over two million freedom loving Americans, will donate to the WHO – $1000,00 for each hotdog consumed by the 2014 finalists. Over 200 hotdogs with buns are consumed between the men and women’s finalists. International Federation for Competitive Eating (IFOCE) President George & Richard Shea hailed the announcement as being „good for America and our image abroad. We hope this event will help bring needed relief and inspiration to the hungry in Africa, as well as those in need right here in America.“ The IFOCE’s top twenty eaters will be taking part.
Brazilan F1 Grand Prix
1. „Fernando Alsonso (Ferrari driver) is all over the back of him, snapping away like an excited little terrier.“
2. „That’s one drop, no, two drops, three drops of rain on our camera.“
Domokun©(lead photo) is the official mascot of Japanese broadcaster NHK.