Jack & Jill
God, the creator, while on Earth over the Easter Holidays to do a bit of shopping, agreed to an exclusive interview with our reporter, Jill Herasee, on the condition that it be published after he departed for Heaven. After spending several hundred dollars in Walmart and Target Stores, he appeared for his interview in our undisclosed studio wearing a $30 pair of Wranglers, a low budget H&M jacket, a grandfather hat and his trusted Jerusalem sandals.
Jill Herasee: It is a great honour to have you here today. There are many questions the people wish to have answered but I know you’re a very busy deity so we’ll try to keep it as short and compact as possible. Heavenly Father, why Walmart? Why not Armani, Gucci or Hugo Boss?
God: Well, when you’ve been sitting around doing nothing for as long as I have, there’s nothing like a good discount shopping spree to get the juices flowing again. Times are hard, only poor people are dying, and even though they may be righteous, they’re also pretty broke. As CEO of Heaven Industries I’m entitled to a fat annual bonus, but there aren’t enough rich customers buying our real estate, so even I have to tighten my belt.
Jill Herasee: Yes, these are tough times. Many are of the opinion that this is the prelude to Armageddon. Should we be fearful?
God: Oh no, not at all. Armageddon was specifically designed for the Middle East, it’s not a concept that can be transferred to North America. Yours is not a political problem, it’s economic. To be honest with you, I don’t understand much about economics anyway, that’s why I bought Alan Greenspan’s book.
Jill Herasee: Here on Earth, countless denominations proclaim to be the true faith and accuse the others of being lost. Most of them say that you intend to cast millions into a lake of fire. Could you, once and for all, set the record straight!
God: I came to Earth at a time when man was running around with nothing more than the skin on his back, a pitiful little creature. If you’ve seen the final episode of Battlestar Galactica, you’ll understand. You see, humanity was never very smart, but they had tons of gold, which we needed above to pave our streets. I created many things, but I didn’t create man, I took advantage of the situation.
The lake of fire thing started because they burnt their enemies alive, when they weren’t plucking out eyes and cutting off tongues; they were barbaric. I suggested to one of the chiefs they should burn them all at once, to save time, but I was only joking. The neanderthals did it anyway, made an eternal fire burning night and day. Great weekend entertainment, but not my style.
As to true or false beliefs, let’s just say, it don’t matter, I gotsta get paid.
Jill Herasee: Have you spoken to the Pope recently?
Jill Herasee: The Pope! Francis!
God: Never heard of him. Is he the head of the Republican Party?
Jill Herasee: No. He’s your representative here on earth, the head of the catholic church. They established themselves after you gave Constantine a sign – the battle of Milwan Bridge! Meteor in the sky!
God: Constantine?(scratches his head). Oh, that guy, the Emperor. Now I remember. We were playing a game of baseball, against The Lucifer Devils; Gabriel had just hit a home-run, right out of the stands, won us the game. We thought nothing of it, it was just another lost ball.
Jill Herasee: Is Jesus Christ really your son?
God: The lazy kid who wouldn’t get a job! Had a thing for magic, that one. I was planning on adopting him but the fool went and got himself killed before I could sign the papers. What sane person challenges the Roman Empire and expects to survive! There was a similar case here recently, that Saddam fella who challenged The United States Empire; didn’t end well for him either.
Jill Herasee: No, it didn’t. The muslims said you were on their side, they believed in victory. Guess you showed them whose side you were on.
God: On their side? Oh no, I was probably sleeping on my side when all that happened. There are millions of people asking me for things every day, and singing hymns that are worse than Hasselhoff, it puts me to sleep. I wish they would stop, or join a Rock Band. Is Bon Jovi still around?
Jill Herasee: Yes, they are, somewhat mellowed with age but still very beloved.
God: Those guys rock.
Jill Herasee: Staying on Jesus. Did he turn water into wine, walk on water, calm storms, heal the sick and raise the dead, including himself?
God: (laughing like Santa Claus). That boy had charisma, and knowledge of herbs. Again, the people of that time were extremely ignorant and superstitious, and most had no access to medicine, or wine. If someone came down with a cold he was near to death; if Jesus mixed some herbs and cured them, it was deemed a miracle; when he had wine to give away, he was a God. The boy was a rock star, with the women, the gossip columns, paparazzi and hangers-on that accompany such a status. Is he still dead? That’s classified.
Jill Herasee: What about suicide bombers? Are there really an abundance of virgins waiting for them in heaven?
God: That was a long time ago, before the girls discovered birth control. But there were times when we offered certain incentives to attract recruits for the delicate missions, we ugh..did a lot of radical things in those days. To clarify: my predecessors were a lot more aggressive than I am; God isn’t a person, it’s a title. We serve two terms, 1000 years each time, then we build a library.
Jill Herasee: There’s sex in heaven?
God: Naughty things always happen when you have women about who don’t need to clean, cook or wash, coupled with armies of angels with no wars to fight.
Jill Herasee: So you have nothing against sex, it’s not unclean in any way!
God: Silly question. God XXVI visited Mary, didn’t he. What do you think the ‘spirit of the Lord’ was, that got her pregnant? Him breathing on her? Use your imagination. She was a good looking girl, fabulous body. He was also deposed for what he did, which didn’t help Jesus.
Jill Herasee: George W Bush claimed to have been acting in your name, against evil-doers! Can you clarify that?
God: George, unfortunately, got me mixed up with the Sheiks, maybe because our clothes are quite similar. That’s why I wear jeans now, so that kind of mistake can be avoided in the future.
Jill Herasee: Is homosexuality a sin?
God: The man-on-man thing! A tricky question. I’ll just say this. I’ve seen some bizarro in my time, but that’s pretty harmless compared to what they do in the 11th galaxy. There is no sin, except the adjective. As long as a person’s deeds don’t harm another, everything’s fine. Let love rule.
Jill Herasee: Is Barack Obama the Anti-Christ?
God: (laughs) A black guy? Gimme a break.
Jill Herasee: Thank you very much Heavenly Father.
God: Just call me Jack.