Call-Center needs Staff

Bio-Molecular Warhead

Hello! Hello! Info-service Faithful & Devout?
Please forgive me for insulting your God,
please don’t kill me for voicing my doubt,
but I have several questions:

Why doesn’t God heal my nicotine addiction?
Why doesn’t prayer heal my cancer affliction?
Why do believers need doctors?
Why doesn’t God stop the rapist killer?
Why must I be his slave?
Why must I burn if I’m not saved?
What do I need saving from?
From Kayden Kross or cola with rum?
What happens now to the aged Mandela?
Will your prayers make him live forever?
Will your prayers reverse 9/11?
Will my dog go to heaven?
Do nuns have sexual desires?
Do priests pleasure themselves?
Do I?
Do you?
Do you lie about it?
Is God a banker?
Why does he always need money?
Why does he need virgins?
Why is he always silent?
Am I a sinner?
What is a sinner?
What is a God?
What does he want?
Can’t he please himself?
Why does he need me?
Is he on medication?
Is he a real estate agent?
I need a new flat.
Can he handle that?

Hello! Hello!
Not again; they’ve put me on hold.

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Comments
31 Responses to “Call-Center needs Staff”
  1. Bastet says:

    Hmmmmmmmmmmmmm…….Amen, halelujah brother….but….:-)

    • lexborgia says:

      But what? I’m only asking questions but….I know I’m not supposed to. I need answers but….nobody gives me any; they tell me “read my bible.” I don’t have one.

      • Of course you can ask questions. In fact, you should. Would you like to hear this Christian’s answers to the questions you pose? I’d be happy to tell you what the Bible teaches, since you don’t have one of your own to read 🙂

        • lexborgia says:

          No matter what I do, I can’t find one on the Internet! But please Fulkerson, indulge me with the Christian wisdom God has given you. But to be fair, I’ll have to get a 2nd opinion from a Muslim, Jew, Buddhist, Mormon, Adventist… the list is too Long. Just indulge me, please.

  2. Bastet says:

    Yes,I know..I wrote a poem called “But…..need I say more?”… all about buts, you were the only one who liked it, knew you’d understand… 😉

  3. Arkenaten says:

    ”Is he a real estate agent?”

    If he was, we might sell more property in our office. And if he can help Uncle nelson, who lives less than two miles down the road from me incidentally, that would be a big boost. In fact, I might even go to church on the weekend if this were to happen.

  4. Arkenaten says:

    Is this not a contradiction of terms? Why would God need me to even speak, let alone shout?
    It’s bad enough knowing he has perfect eyesight and is able to watch me while I sit on the toilet, but it is somewhat disconcerting to think he is as deaf as my old granddad.

  5. Arkenaten says:

    Can I make toast, I forgot to have breakfast?

  6. Linda Vernon says:

    What I don’t get is what’s so great about having somebody worship you? Not only would it get old after about an hour, it would be extremely off-putting from there on out.

  7. Do I?

    Do you?

    Do you lie about it?

    was my favorite part

  8. dhonour says:

    Is God really a ‘he’??? 😉

  9. Hahaha, I love it. You ask some pretty great questions.

  10. All religion is a load on nonce-sense 🙂

    • lexborgia says:

      Yes, to me, you and countless others, but real to millions who feel it’s their divine duty to convert me, or use the power of the state to ‘guide’ my daily life and sentence me to eternal flames if they can’t.

  11. makagutu says:

    Those are a good set of questions.
    Does god get lonely?
    Does it have ears?

  12. I use to think God was real, but oh that darn internets and it’s access to information and whatnot. I found this site to be most helpful in understanding why those prayers go unanswered. Maybe it will be helpful for others. It’s called “Why Won’t God Heal Amputees?” http://whywontgodhealamputees.com/

    Good post.

  13. Rhino House says:

    The worst thing is the muzak while they have you on hold…..

  14. mikesteeden says:

    You should have sent Him a picture of a cake via Facebook – I’ve always found that is a sound first ‘hook.’ Thereafter you can ask Him all the questions you want – mind He doesn’t say too much back! Great stuff!

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