The News we never get to read
Iranian & American Presidents speak on the phone.
The U.N Security Council has called an emergency session to determine which president rang first. U.S Administration officials insist the phonecall was initiated by the Iranians, who in turn deny such claims, stating the call came from the Whitehouse. Secretary of State John Kerry warns that unless the issue is resolved soon the U.S will launch military strikes.
Recent findings by the United Nations Climate Panel states a 95% certainty of human responsibility for climate change. Panel member The United States, representing 5% of the world’s population, expressed a 95% uncertainty.
Isreali Prime Minister Benjamin Bibi Netanjahu, on his way to the U.N General Assembly to speak the truth, realised in mid-flight that he doesn’t know how. To avoid any embarrassment, Bibi has turned to George W. Bush for coaching.
What’s In A Name?
The Human Rights organisation ‘Namesake’ has filed multiple lawsuits on behalf of citizens who’ve had their birth names erased and replaced with Gimmicks by global media outlets for commercial purposes. Prominent clients include Obama Girl, Kate Nurse, Woods Niece, Becker Broom-closet Girl, Strauss-Kahn Maid, John Edwards Mistress and Doctor Who.
Singer Miley Cyrus, under pressure to act more white after showcasing her twerking abilities, has decided to have her rear end surgically flattened and stapled to prevent movement. Furthermore, the singer announced today that she will only be performing country and western music while sitting on a mechanical bull.
Michael Jackson’s family, in dire need of an income after losing a $290m lawsuit against concert promoters AEG Live, have now filed a lawsuit against the United States. This new lawsuit claims Jackson’s death was due to hate crimes, as the American people didn’t love him any more after his 25th surgery, leading to insomnia, anxiety and album flops. The family is seeking ten trillion dollars in damages, part of which they will donate to skin bleaching research and the Chinese doctors who successfully grew a nose on a patient’s forehead.
The new Miss World has confided in friends that she is overjoyed now the show is over. Having now ‘proven beyond reasonable doubt that I can walk in high heels without falling down, my vagina is the prettiest in a bikini and, my tits and ass will surely bring the boys to the yard,’ the new Queen of nothing intends to ‘share what I know, educate people and strive for world peace.’ Prodded on how she intends to accomplish this, she said ‘through Facebook,’ and by demanding the world stops speaking for the duration of her reign.
And finally! The Republican Party, tired of having a left-handed black man in charge, has closed down the United States government. In a statement released by his office, House Speaker John Boehner said, ‘Obamacare too much about left-handers. The majority, right-handers, have had enough.’
Domokun©(lead photo) is the official mascot of Japanese broadcaster NHK.